Big Fish

No I don't mean that.

I meant the movie Big Fish.
I was watching it today, and it just hit me like a hurrican. I cried like a babe, wasn't sure why, and was pretty teary for the rest of the day. This was not the first time I've watched it, I've seen it a couple times and it is one of my favourite movies, but I never cried before like I did today.
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I love this movie not just because it was well made, I love the idea in it, I love the pictures and I love how it's so fantasy-ish and real at the same time. It made me think a lot also, it actually reminds me of the book Five People you meet in Heaven (such a great book!), that people you never thought would make such huge effects on you most of the time determinds who you are and where you go... and every decisions you make might end up changing somebody's life even. It's very scary to think about, but also interesting and exciting.

This movie also reminds me of the relationship between my father and I. We were never close, although I know he loves me dearly. I never listened to him because, like Will Bloom, I always thought my dad was making up stories, and all that came from him wanting compliments or appreciation.. which disgusted me and I never liked talking to him. I admit I hated him for a good most part of my life; I didn't want him to know anything about me so that he won't be able to comment on anything. I didn't like being around him because I hated seeing him trying so hard to prove anything. I was such a terrible person, boyfriend, I was. I was so immature and I was just terrible. But I learned a lot in the past couple years, seeing my parents' relationship gone down and hearing things about my dad from people around.. I now understand why he acts the way he acts, and knowing it has been my fault judging him before knowing him. I now love him dearly, and am trying to make up for what I've done to him.

It hit me so hard also because I have been reading that book I told you about yesterday - A Million years in a Thousand miles by Donald Miller, which is about Don trying to edit his life and he figured his life hasn't really been a story.. so he decided to make some changes and create stories. While I was watching Big Fish, for the whole time I was wondering what kinds of story am I telling, or what kinds of charactor I am if I were in a story written by someone.. someone great.. someone like.. our God.

"A man tells his story so many times that he became the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes imortal."

And then I thought about us. If we were made into a movie, what kinds of movie would that be? Where would that movie begin and where would it end? And more of that, what story are we telling right now?


I miss you, my boyfriend. I have been thinking about you a lot today... a little bit more than usual since we didn't get to talk this morning. I was thinking about scenes between us, and that made me miss you even more. Remember I told you I don't like missing you because it's tough.. it is still tough, but I'm learning day by day to be patient and to trust. You mean a lot to me, boyfriend, and I want to create great stories with you. I know I used to love like fireworks: passionate colourful sparkly love that goes bam! bam! bam! and then, gone. I used all my love up way too early, the fire went way too fast and even burned myself. I never know how to love, I was good at tying them up, telling them to love me and making them guilty so that I could make sure they won't ever leave me. But obviously it didn't work. By the end of all those stories, was me sitting by myself crying with hands covering my face wondering what did I do wrong.
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I wasn't looking for anyone when I met you, I gave up on thinking about that, it was never something good but hurtful, and I guess I shouldn't do anything to hurt myself anymore. It was tough when I realised I like you, and that I wanted to be with you. I didn't want that to happen, I didn't want anything to happen actually. I was happy with my friends with school with life in general, and I didn't want to love anybody so that I have to think about that person 24-7 and worry the whole time either I'll get hurt by you or I'll miss behave and let myself lose control. I don't want to play with fire anymore, it was never fun and never will.

But it happened.

"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost... the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is... I've always been a fool."

I love you so much that I couldn't let myself to just stand next to you and "just be friends". I love you, I wanted to be yours and that was the only I wanted. I pretended, I pretended I didn't like you that much at first. I didn't want you to know that I love you so much, and somehow I didn't want myself to know that too. That scared me, you know. Knowing how much I really do love you scared me. And it still does. I even tried to control the amount of love I have for you, I even told myself "Okay wincyho that's enough, don't let yourself go any further for your own good."

But appearantly I am not able to keep telling myself that.

I love you I love you, that's all I am thinking about all day and night. I love you so much, I love you so so SO MUCH. You are the only thing I want to think about, the only thing I want to talk about, the only thing that I want to hear about and know more about, and the only one I want to be with all the time. I love you. I don't know what that really means, saying I love you actually doesn't mean anything.. it doesn't make me see you, it doesn't make me touch you and feel you, it doesn't help to love you more.. it's just something.. only something that I want to say it to you all the time to express my feeling for you, but indeed it's not a strong enough word to fully express the feeling and the thoughts I have for you. You have no idea how much I want you to truely know how strong that feeling really is. It's not some phrase that I can just say it and mean it, it's too much more than that.






And that's my life story.